Recently, I ran across something I shared a number of years ago, even before releasing Life After Losses. It was an unattributed quote that read, “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people that didn’t cut you,” and I thought that was a powerful metaphor for taking care of ourselves and nourishing the relationships we wish to have.

As I searched the powerful interwebs for a source to whom I could attribute the quote (there wasn’t one), I noticed something else: There were lots of different interpretations of that quote. Everything from toxic relationships to self-sabotage was addressed.

Naturally, my first inclination and interpretation revolved around healing from loss and working to prevent projecting our pain onto others who had no part in it. I thought about how grieving affects us so that we sometimes lash out with our pain because we haven’t addressed it ourselves. I thought about how, once we’re willing, we try to find a new relationship with the pain still evident and how we can hurt others by comparing them to the love we lost rather than seeing them for who they are.

Oh, I may be projecting again; I don’t know. In the last 10 years, I’ve been on three dates that didn’t quite work out, and I think one of those was in the last year. Humbly, I say I’m a catch—at least my mom thinks so. I’m an open book with any potential suitor, and frankly, I don’t think many people could handle the baggage a double-widower single parent travels with. I’m okay with that.

I don’t know where that side trip came from, but let’s get back to interpreting this quote and see if the subconscious makes the connection. I do that sometimes, in case you hadn’t noticed, where my mind just takes me on a journey without filtering or context. You may have seen that in the 13 Pieces of Advice list from Life After Losses; I’m sure I could have combined a few of them, but I followed the stream of consciousness and laid them out there as they came to me. My apologies; that seems to have been another tangent.

Emotional Trauma. That’s really what hits my mind when thinking of this quote. What else could losing someone be? So, interpreting the quote through that lens makes me think that if I don’t deal with my emotional trauma, the pain of loss, I could project it upon someone else; I could react negatively and unfairly toward others. Taking a step away from the loss, perhaps I was treated poorly by someone, or my kindness was taken advantage of. Unless I address the negativity of that situation, I may wind up treating the next person as if they were the one to hurt me.

And how about generational trauma? We learn to be parents from our parents. What may have been acceptable two generations ago may no longer be. We may be dealing with wounds inflicted passed down. I had an absentee father, so it would be easy for me to be the same, because that’s what I learned. I also learned the opposite—how NOT to be like that, and I believe I did better. His dad died when he was 10, he stepped out of my life when I was 12. Maybe he didn’t know any better, but I did.

Did you ever have a friend betray you? Maybe they spilled a secret or talked about you behind your back. Such experiences can make you less trustful, not just with that friend, but all your friends and relationships. You might conflate this betrayal to you can’t trust anyone! You need to deal with the person and situation that may be causing that distrust.

And then there’s self-sabotage, which, again, I hadn’t thought of. You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not young enough, or thin enough, or anything else enough. You can’t do this or that, so you’ll never be able to do anything. Limiting beliefs about yourself are wounds you have to address, or you’ll just bleed all over yourself.

I really want you to hear this: you are enough. You are not an imposter, you’re not faking it until you make it. You’re a human being that’s bound to falter now and then—that’s what happens. In most cases, if you find your negative self-talk telling you you’re not (fill in the blank) enough, simply add “yet” to the end of that sentence and change the narrative.

You’re not smart enough, YET. You’re not thin enough, YET. You’re not rich enough, YET. That little word tells your subconscious that you’re not done. Those negative thoughts are not the end of the statement. YET implies that you can still do something about it.

As for my stream-of-consciousness rambles earlier, I’ll just add “YET.”