Note: This is part one of seven that will delve into the PURPOSE framework introduced in my book, Grief Recovery for Adults. This framework was designed to empower and enlighten the reader toward a more fulfilling life experience following loss. The structure helps guide one from despair to liberation.

As we delve into the PURPOSE framework this first week, we’re starting with the first P—Perceive Reality. Long-time readers know that I’m a fan of facing reality; facing the truth is the foundation for addressing negativity and finding a way to thrive. We can’t address what we don’t admit, and we can’t admit without facing the truth.

While this may sound a bit like “Acceptance” in the Kubler-Ross model, we all know that the grieving process isn’t linear and we will bounce between the various “stages” during our journey. Indeed, the model has been essential in our understanding of grief and recovery, though I also believe it’s been incorrectly adapted to the same—but more on that much later.

One thing we can all agree on is that denial is more than a river in Egypt.

Grief is an ocean of emotions, waves crashing over us, hitting us with a force that urges us to retreat. Initially, our instinct is to recoil, to protect ourselves from the intense pain of loss, and this is where denial takes root. Denial has a purpose: to shield against a reality too harsh to face immediately. Yet, we can’t heal while we’re running from the waves; we need to step into that ocean and fully immerse ourselves in the reality of our loss.

Acceptance of a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, is one of the hardest psychological challenges we face. Our brains are wired to protect us from pain, and the shock of losing someone we love triggers this defense mechanism. It’s not about emotional strength or intelligence; it’s about survival. The loss disrupts our sense of security, future plans, and understanding of the world. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I lost my husband, wife, son, daughter, father, mother, etc., and I’m just lost.” Accepting this new reality of losing someone means acknowledging that everything has changed, which is a daunting task for anyone.

So then we find ourselves in denial, which acts as an emotional buffer. It allows us to process the loss in smaller, more manageable pieces. It’s like slowly getting used to the ocean’s cold water rather than diving in headfirst. In the short term, denial helps us function and prevents us from being overwhelmed by grief. It’s the mind’s way of saying, “Take it slow.” However, while denial offers temporary relief, it can also delay or stop our long-term healing by trapping us in a cycle where we neither face nor process the reality of our loss.

Recognizing denial can be challenging. It often disguises itself as socially acceptable behaviors, such as avoiding conversations about the deceased, rationalizing the loss, or putting on a brave face. These can all be signs of denial. And if they keep us from confronting our grief, healing can’t happen.

To truly heal, we have no choice but to move beyond denial and allow ourselves to experience the full range of emotions that come with loss. This means facing the painful reality head-on. I know it’s not easy; it requires courage and a willingness to feel the sorrow, anger, and confusion that accompany grief. Who wants to experience that? Suppressing these emotions might seem like a way to protect ourselves, but in reality, it only prolongs our suffering. (pro tip: hiding your emotions while in an altered state also prolongs the suffering.)

I’ve written before about how suppressing emotions, like grief, can lead to various emotional and physical issues; it’s well-documented. Emotionally, it can manifest as sudden outbursts of anger or a persistent sense of sadness. Physically, the tension of holding back emotions can lead to insomnia, a weakened immune system, and other health problems. 

Healthy expression of grief is crucial for healing. Healthy may look different for everyone. Talking to a therapist can provide a safe outlet for your emotions and guidance on navigating through them. Engaging in creative activities like painting or music can offer a non-verbal way to process complex feelings. Physical activities such as running or yoga can help release the pent-up energy that comes with suppressed emotions. You can find ways to express your grief gradually so the flood of emotions is more like a trickle from a garden hose than the gush of a fire hose. 

Healing from a significant loss is a journey, one which requires time and patience. It’s not about rushing through the process, and that’s not what I advocate. It’s about allowing it to unfold naturally, which is different for each individual. 

Here’s the thing: the grief journey is marked by ups and downs, and giving yourself the space to grieve at your own pace is essential. By facing your grief and expressing it, you lay the foundation for long-term healing. 

As you navigate your way through your grief journey, remember that healing is a gradual process. It’s not a race—you are in competition with no one. It is not a destination to be “healed.” It’s a series of steps taken day by day. There will be times when you feel like you’re making progress and times when it feels like you’re back at square one. This is normal. What’s important is that you continue to move forward, even if it’s just one small step at a time. What does moving forward look like to you?

Facing the reality of your loss is the first step toward acceptance. Acceptance is often misunderstood as a sign of moving on or forgetting the person you’ve lost. In reality, it’s about making the loss a part of your life and allowing it to coexist with your ongoing journey, not being the focus of your journey. Acceptance doesn’t mean the pain goes away; it means you acknowledge it and find ways to live with it. 

In this week’s entry, I’ve shared just a glimpse of the insights and tools you’ll find in my book, Grief Recovery for Adults. If you’re ready to dive deeper and find support for your unique path through grief, consider purchasing a copy and embrace the PURPOSE framework.

Look, I know your journey through loss is deeply personal, but I also know that having a companion like this book can provide the guidance and comfort you need to heal at your own pace and on your own terms.

Next week, we’ll look at U and Unloading your emotional baggage.