Note: This is part two of seven that will delve into the PURPOSE framework introduced in my book, Grief Recovery for Adults. As a reminder, PURPOSE was designed to empower and enlighten you toward a more fulfilling life experience following loss or, in my case, losses. The structure is designed to help you find a renewed sense of purpose in your life on your terms.

Grief is unpredictable, and doesn’t care if it’s a good time for you. It shows up, makes itself at home, and messes with your emotions. It’s raw, real, and messy. And that’s perfectly normal. Maybe you cried in the grocery aisle because it hit you: you’re shopping for one. Or perhaps you’re laughing with friends when a shadow of guilt pulls you under, making you wonder if you should be enjoying yourself. 

Grief isn’t neat. It doesn’t come in manageable doses. Grief is the midnight tears, the anger at minor inconveniences, the laughter that turns into crying because of a memory. It’s forgetting to eat, sleeping all day, or staring at the ceiling all night. 

Grief can make you feel like you’ve lost your mind; “widow’s brain” is a term you might hear. You might misplace things, forget appointments, or wear your shirt inside out. You might talk to your loved one as if they’re right beside you or avoid places filled with painful memories. What feels like insanity is a normal part of grieving. It’s your mind and body trying to figure out how to live in a world that’s changed.

All this mess, this rollercoaster of emotions, is okay. It’s normal. Grieving isn’t something you can control or predict. It doesn’t follow schedules or societal expectations. It just is. What you’re feeling—the good, the bad, the ugly—is part of the process. It’s unlikely you’ve lost your mind. There will be good days and bad. On tough days, remind yourself:

• “It’s okay not to be okay.”
• “My feelings are valid, no matter how messy.”
• “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”

When the mess feels overwhelming, seeking help is okay. In fact, I encourage it (we’ve certainly talked about sharing stories plenty of times). Talk to a friend, join a support group, or find a counselor. Sharing the mess can help lighten the load.

I have a section in the book that’s titled “Grief is a Messy Mess of a Mess.” Your grief is messy, but your love, resilience, and ability to survive the most challenging times are within that mess. When the waves hit, let them come. Cry over the kitchen sink, laugh until you cry, and remember, you’re not alone. Grief might be a mess, but it’s our mess, and we’ll get through it—one messy, unpredictable day at a time.

In the book, I use the analogy of carrying your emotions in a backpack. The more we stuff into it, the heavier it gets. It digs into our shoulders, and we hunch over, but the load gets heavier and heavier because we would rather avoid (see last week’s entry) than address. We sidestep our emotions by throwing ourselves into work, binge-watching TV, or picking up new hobbies to keep our minds occupied; I’m certainly guilty of doing that. We plaster on a smile and insist we’re “fine” when asked how we’re doing because we want to avoid facing our grief… or making others uncomfortable in our grief. 

I learned this avoidance might seem harmless, but it comes at a cost. It’s like building a dam to hold back a river; the pressure keeps mounting, and if we’re not careful, it can crack, leading to unexpected outbursts. Avoiding these emotions drains us, robbing us of genuine peace and healing moments.

So, what happens when we finally unzip that backpack and start unloading that emotional baggage? At first, it’s like taking a deep breath and gulping for air after being underwater for too long; it feels like that fire hose I talked about last week. Expressing our grief is incredibly relieving. We acknowledge that we’re hurting, and that’s okay. This venting can take many forms: talking with someone we trust, crying in the shower, or even screaming into a pillow. It’s all valid. The relief from venting isn’t just emotional; it’s physical. Our sleep improves, our appetite returns, and that constant feeling of being on edge fades. The link between our physical and emotional well-being is well documented.

Speaking of venting, I remember one day at work, at a particularly vulnerable time, when my co-worker Rose asked if I was doing okay. I looked at her, my eyes bloodshot from drinking too much the night before or crying moments ago (both possible), and said, “Do you want the truth, or are you just asking to be polite?” I’d run out of politeness and pasting that “fine” smile. I opted for honesty.

“I’ll take the truth,” she bravely answered. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I told her. I wept at work, finally letting some of it out to another person.

After hiding my emotions behind a bottle for a while, I learned that finding healthy ways to express these emotions is vital. There are some techniques that can help you unload that emotional baggage:

Talking it Out: Sometimes, a good chat is the best release. Talking about what you’re going through can be incredibly cathartic, whether with a friend, family member, or therapist. It worked with Rose.

Creative Expression: Channeling your emotions into something creative can be a powerful outlet. Painting, writing, and playing music let you express grief in ways words cannot. 

Physical Activity: Movement can be a great way to release pent-up emotions. Movement helps release endorphins, lifting our spirits and helping us cope.

Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help us sit with our emotions without judgment, acknowledging them as they come and go. 

Letting out our grief and giving voice to our pain isn’t a sign of weakness. If anything, I believe it’s the polar opposite—it’s a brave step toward healing. It’s recognizing that to move forward, we have to empty that backpack every now and again. 

Grief is complex and unpredictable. Unloading your emotional baggage is crucial for healing. If you’re seeking more insights and practical tools to help you navigate this journey, consider exploring my book, Grief Recovery for Adults, and learning more about the PURPOSE framework. It’s a companion for those difficult days, offering guidance and support as you work through your emotions and find your path to healing.

Next week, we’re going to talk about the R in the PURPOSE framework — Reaching Out for Support.