Regular readers know that I pay attention to what’s going on around me to come up with ideas for this space, and one thing overwhelmingly smacked me upside the head recently: a clarification of what other people think we grieve (the person we lost) vs. the reality of what we actually grieve. It’s not as simple as just missing someone who’s gone.

The proverbial straw that has me writing about this today is that in one visualization of this idea, there was a clump of butterflies. OK, Karen…I’m paying attention! (If you’re unclear what that’s about, check last week’s blog.)

The truth is, most people misunderstand grief. It’s not just about missing the person we lost—it’s about everything that came with them. It’s the daily routines you had together, the future plans you made, and even the simple comfort of knowing they were there. Grief doesn’t stay confined to one part of life; it spills into all the spaces they once touched.

After my first loss, I missed the lazy Sunday mornings watching the previous night’s SNL we recorded on the VCR, while reading the paper and having our coffee before going to the Cajun Kitchen in Santa Barbara for brunch, where our favorite server reminded us that the drops of orange juice in our mimosas was “just for color.” Those simple routines we took for granted were gone in an instant.

After my second, one of the hardest realizations was accepting that my daughter wouldn’t have both her dads walking her down the aisle one day. That was a shared dream my late husband and I talked about often after moving to New England. It was supposed to be one of those big, joyful moments we’d share together. When he passed, that vision shattered, and it wasn’t just about him being gone—it was about the life we had imagined and all the milestones we’d miss.

There’s also the loss of the small things: the advice they’d offer without hesitation, the familiar routines, or even the way they’d help make decisions easier. After my husband’s death, I remember being paralyzed over simple choices, like which color to paint my home office, because I didn’t have his input anymore. It felt ridiculous in the moment, but looking back, it was just another piece of the life we shared that was suddenly gone.

Grief is so much more than sadness. It’s losing the sense of safety they provided, the comfort of their presence, and the unspoken understanding you had together. It’s the future you thought you’d have, rewritten in ways you didn’t choose.

And yet, in the midst of all that loss, I’ve learned that grieving doesn’t mean letting go of everything. It means finding a way to carry those memories forward. For me, noticing butterflies—like Karen’s nod last week—has been a way to stay connected. It’s not about assigning deep meaning to every moment, but about allowing yourself to acknowledge the love that’s still there, even when everything else feels like it’s changed.

If you’ve been feeling the weight of all those “extra” things that come with grief, I hope you know you’re not alone. Grief is complicated and messy–there’s a chapter in Grief Recovery for Adults titled “Grief is a Messy Mess of a Mess!” Despite this, it’s also proof of the life you shared with someone and how much they meant to you. It’s natural to grieve not just the person, but the dreams, the moments, and the future that won’t happen the way you planned.

So today, let’s give ourselves permission to feel all of it—the joy and the heartbreak, the memories and the missed milestones. Grief isn’t “letting go;” it can mean finding new ways to carry the love forward.

One way I’ve found helpful is journaling, a practice I include in my PURPOSE framework. Taking time to reflect through writing can help us process those complex emotions and stay connected to what matters most. Here are a few prompts you might try:

What’s a routine or moment you miss the most, and why did it matter to you?

What dreams or milestones do you grieve, and how can you honor them?

What small reminders or signs bring you comfort, and how do they make you feel?

And just as Karen’s butterflies nudged me toward this topic the last few weeks, maybe the universe is nudging you, too, toward something that truly matters. Let’s work on moving forward with intention and honoring the love and connection that remain.