I’ve shared before about how the way we face the world can have a huge impact on how we live our lives. It’s so important that I included a chapter in Grief Recovery for Adults. 

I recently ran across a story that struck me about this topic and touched on something I wrote about in my memoir, Life After Losses, though I am not a twin. The story goes: “Two twin boys were raised by an alcoholic father. One grew up to be an alcoholic. When asked what happened, he said, “I watched my father.” The other grew up and never drank in his life. When asked what happened, he said, “I watched my father.” Two boys, same dad, two different perspectives. Your perspective in life will determine your destination.”

Pretty impactful, huh?

This is the crux of the Probe for Personal Significance chapter of Grief Recovery for Adults. It’s essential for us, even outside of our grief, and even if we’ve never been in a position to grieve. I’m sure my 28-year old self would have loved to have known this skill before getting to that chapter in my life.

It was several years after my first loss that I feel like I finally got it. And, by several, I mean many. When I was younger, there wasn’t a lot of talk about “mindfulness” and “gratitude,” at least not as it’s shared now. Maybe it was talked about in the adult world, but I think it’s even more important to talk about that when we’re young, to develop, nurture, and hone those skills as we get older.

But here’s the thing: it’s never too late to learn and retrain your thinking.

How do you change your perspective when you’re faced with something you feel is negative? Or do you let the negativity take over?

Changing our perspective, especially when faced with negative situations, is a skill that can be developed and refined over time. We don’t deny the reality of difficult circumstances (remember the PURPOSE framework). Instead, we find ways to view them that empower us rather than defeat us. Over the years, I’ve learned some effective strategies for reframing negative situations and shifting your perspective:

1. Practice cognitive reframing: Here, you need to consciously challenge and change the way you think about a situation. When faced with a negative event, ask yourself: “Is there another way to look at this?” or “What can I learn from this experience?” Don’t force positivity, but look for a more balanced view.
2. Cultivate mindfulness: Mindfulness practices help us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them. We can create space between the event and our reaction by looking at our negative thoughts without judgment (add some emphasis there!). This allows us to be more thoughtful in how we respond to those situations.
3. Seek the silver lining: They say, “Behind every cloud is a silver lining,” but it’s easy to view it as “In front of every silver lining, there’s a cloud.” It’s important not to trivialize genuinely difficult situations; training yourself to look for potential positives can be transformative. Ask yourself, “What opportunities might this challenge present?” or “How might this experience contribute to my personal growth?”
4. Practice gratitude: This takes work and is a conscious effort that pays off big time. Acknowledge the good things in your life, even (and especially) during tough times. Doing so can help shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right. Again, it’s about balance, not ignoring the difficult.
5. Use “and” instead of “but”: When describing challenging situations, try replacing “but” with “and.” For example, instead of saying, “This is a difficult situation, but I’ll get through it,” try, “This is a difficult situation, and I’ll get through it.” This subtle shift acknowledges both the challenge and your ability to overcome it. Do you notice the difference?
6. Look at the big picture: When facing a problem, zoom out and view it from a broader perspective. What’s the big picture? Ask yourself, “How important will this be in a year? In five years?” This can put current challenges into a larger context and reduce how big they feel.
7. Seek diverse perspectives: Engage with others who might have different viewpoints. Sometimes, hearing how others interpret a situation can open our eyes to possibilities we hadn’t considered.
8. Focus on what you CAN control: There are things in our control and things outside our control. Give up on trying to control things you have no control over. Instead, direct your energy toward what you can control. It’s more empowering and leads to more productive outcomes.

Implementing these strategies takes practice and patience; like I said, it’s work. It’s not about constantly forcing yourself to be positive but developing a more flexible and resilient mindset. It’s about balance, the yin and yang of life. Over time, like me, you may find that your default reaction to challenging situations becomes more constructive and empowering.

If you’ve read my memoir, you know that my birth father wasn’t exactly a role model I wanted to emulate when I became a father. Like the father in the story and one of the twins, I “watched my father” and vowed not to be like him with my own kids. This decision to break the cycle is a great example of perspective shift in action. Instead of letting my negative experiences define me, I chose to use them as a catalyst for positive change.

It’s important to note that changing your perspective doesn’t mean ignoring or minimizing past traumas or current challenges. It’s not about that. It’s about acknowledging them, perceiving reality, and recognizing your power to shape your response and future. Whether it’s overcoming a difficult childhood, navigating grief, or facing day-to-day struggles, our perspective can lift us up or drag us down.

I want to emphasize this content is simplified in this format, so if you’re struggling and need help, please see a professional who can help you with your specific challenges.

That said, and as we wrap up, I want to encourage you to reflect on your own life experiences. How have your perspectives shaped your journey? Are there situations where a shift in viewpoint might open up new possibilities? Remember, it’s never too late to start cultivating a more empowering outlook on life.

As we learn to change our perspective for personal growth, we also create a ripple effect that positively impacts those around us. As we demonstrate to others by choosing to find opportunities and gratitude in challenges and consciously breaking negative cycles, we set an example. If there’s a young person in your life, make sure they see you doing this, and teach them the skills to do so.

So, the next time you find yourself facing a challenging situation, pause for a moment. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself: “How else can I look at this?” You might be surprised at the doors that open when you shift your perspective.