I’ve found myself doing an awful lot of reflecting these past few weeks, being pulled back 29 years into the past and dragged through to the present.
In August 1995, I started this journey of loss as I both prepared to say goodbye to my first husband, and then eventually did. Those memories came flooding back, as they tend to do in August. They’ve been magnified this month as I’m witnessing two former co-workers and friends deal with the immediate aftermath of losing their husbands.
Invariably, these events happening to people I know hit me deeply because I’m all too familiar with the pain, and my heart breaks for them being on the path they’re now on. I can support them from the sideline, offering my support and guidance, but I know I can’t take the pain away.
That feeling of helplessness is uncomfortable, both as a person grieving and as a person seeing others suffer. I’ve always felt for the underdog and those suffering, yet one thing I’ve noticed since I lost my first husband is that I find myself more empathetic to the suffering of others.
So, what are some good ways to support someone who is grieving? There are many ways we can show up for them and provide meaningful support. Here are a dozen effective ways to help someone who is grieving:
1. Be Present and Listen: One of the most valuable things you can do is simply be there. Your presence alone can be comforting. Listen without judgment or the need to “fix” things. Sometimes, the grieving person just needs someone to hear their thoughts and feelings. Don’t be afraid of silence; sitting quietly together can be incredibly supportive.
2. Acknowledge Their Loss: Avoid platitudes like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Those phrases, while meant to be comforting, can instead be triggering. Rather than go that route, acknowledge the magnitude of their loss. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “This must be incredibly difficult for you” can be more comforting than trying to find a silver lining.
3. Offer Specific Help: Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific assistance. Grief can be overwhelming, making it hard for people to identify or ask for what they need. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, so offer to bring meals, help with childcare, run errands, or assist with funeral arrangements. Be proactive but respectful of their wishes.
4. Remember Important Dates: Mark your calendar with significant dates like birthdays, anniversaries, or the date of the loss. Reach out on these days to let them know you’re thinking of them. Grief doesn’t end after the funeral, and these gestures can mean a lot in the months and years to come. It’s comforting to know that your loved ones are not forgotten.
5. Share Memories: If you knew the person who passed, share your memories. Many grieving individuals find comfort in hearing stories about their loved ones. It helps keep the memory of the deceased alive and shows that others are remembering them too.
6. Be Patient: We all know grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Everyone grieves differently, and the process can take months or years. Don’t expect them to “get over it” or “move on” quickly, and absolutely do not verbalize those sentiments. Be patient and continue to offer support even when others have returned to their normal routines.
7. Encourage Self-Care: Gently remind the grieving person to take care of themselves. Offer to join them for a walk, bring over a nourishing meal, or suggest activities that might provide a brief respite from their grief.
8. Respect Their Grieving Process: Some people want to talk about their loss constantly, while others prefer distraction. Some might cry frequently, while others seem stoic. There’s no “right” way to grieve. Respect their process and follow their lead. When in doubt, go back to #1: be there.
9. Continue to Include Them: Don’t stop inviting them to social gatherings or events, even if they often decline. Knowing they’re still included can be comforting, and they’ll join in when they feel ready.
10. Help with Mundane Tasks: Offer to help with practical tasks that might be overwhelming during grief. This could include helping to organize paperwork, making phone calls, or assisting with household chores.
11. Use the Name of the Deceased: Don’t shy away from mentioning the name of the person who died. Many grieving individuals find comfort in hearing their loved one’s name and knowing they’re not forgotten.
12. Take Care of Yourself: Supporting someone through grief can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you’re also taking care of your own emotional needs and setting boundaries when necessary. Self-care needs to go both ways; after all, you can’t help them put on their mask if you pass out.
Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting someone in grief. What works for one person might not work for another. The key is to be genuine, compassionate, and willing to adapt your support to meet their changing needs.
As someone who has experienced profound loss, we have a unique perspective on grief. Your empathy and understanding can be a powerful source of comfort for others going through similar experiences. By offering support in these ways, you’re not only helping them navigate their grief but also honoring your own journey and the lessons it has taught you.
In the end, supporting someone through grief is about being a steady, compassionate presence in their life. It’s about acknowledging their pain, respecting their process, and reminding them that they’re not alone on this difficult journey. Your support can make a world of difference as they learn to navigate life in the wake of their loss.
