The holidays can be… complicated. They’re supposed to be a time of joy and celebration, but when grief enters the picture, everything changes. Festive songs, cheerful gatherings, and cherished traditions can suddenly feel overwhelming. And for those wanting to help, it’s hard to know the right thing to say or do without accidentally causing more pain.

So, let’s talk about it. How can you support someone grieving during the holidays? And if you’re the one grieving, how can you navigate this season in a way that feels manageable and true to you?

For Supporters: Skip the Triggering Questions

Asking, “What are your holiday plans?” might seem like small talk, but for someone grieving, it can feel like a spotlight on a wound they’d rather not expose. This could be their first holiday without their loved one, or maybe they’re barely holding it together. Instead of questions that could unintentionally hurt, try open-ended statements like:

“I know the holidays can be tough. I’m thinking about you.”

“I’m here if you need to talk or just sit quietly.”

“If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”

Don’t worry about finding the perfect words; showing that you care without putting pressure on them to respond or explain is enough.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Some of the most meaningful gestures don’t require words at all. Dropping off a meal, helping with errands, or sending a handwritten note can go a long way. Instead of the vague, “Let me know if you need anything,” try something specific:

“I’d love to bring dinner over next week. Does Tuesday work?”

“Can I help with shopping or decorations this year?”

“Would you like some company this weekend? I can bring coffee and just hang out.”

Thoughtful actions show that you’re there for them without making them ask.

For the Grieving: Communicate Your Needs

The holidays are hard, and even though people want to help, they can’t read your mind. Speaking up about what you need—when you’re ready—can take some of the guesswork out of it. Here are ways to express your needs in a way that feels empowering:

If you need space: “Thank you for checking in, but I just need some quiet time right now. I’ll reach out when I’m ready.”

If you’re overwhelmed by invitations: “I really appreciate the invite, but I need a quieter holiday this year. Let’s catch up another time.”

If you need acknowledgment: “It would mean a lot to me if we could take a moment to light a candle or share a memory of [their name].”

If you need help: “I could really use some support with [specific task]. Would you be able to help me this week?”

If traditions feel too much: “I’m not up for [specific tradition] this year, but maybe we could try [new idea] instead.”

It’s okay to set boundaries, change your mind, or not have all the answers. Taking care of yourself is necessary, not selfish.

Create New Traditions

The holidays may never feel the same after a loss, and that’s okay. Instead of forcing old traditions, consider creating new ones that honor your loved one in a way that feels meaningful to you now.

Light a candle in their memory.

Hang an ornament in their honor.

Volunteer for a cause they cared about.

These small acts can help you feel connected to their memory while allowing you to adapt to the season in a manageable way.

Conclusion

The holidays are a challenging time for anyone dealing with grief, but compassion and honesty can make a big difference. If you’re grieving, give yourself permission to feel what you feel, to set boundaries, and to lean on others when you need to. If you’re supporting someone, remember it’s not about fixing their pain but about being present for them, however they need you.

This holiday season, let’s focus on showing up for one another with patience, empathy, and grace—not just for others but for ourselves, too.

How do you navigate grief during the holidays? Or how do you support someone who is grieving? I’d love to hear your thoughts.