Finding Meaning in the Past to Shape the Future
Loss has a way of forcing us to see life differently. When my first husband died, I wasn’t prepared for the weight of it—the way grief crashes over you: unpredictable. Relentless. Like a storm on the coast. At the time, I didn’t know how to navigate it. I was just surviving, barely moving forward, trying to make sense of a world that no longer included him.
Then, nearly 20 years later, I lost my second husband. And as impossible as it sounds, that loss carried lessons from the first. I don’t mean it made the grief easier. It didn’t. But it gave me something I didn’t have the first time: perspective. I had been through unimaginable loss before, and though it didn’t dull the pain, I understood it differently. I knew grief wasn’t something I had to fix. I knew there was no timeline, no finish line, no moment where I’d magically feel “healed.” I had learned how to carry grief without letting it consume me. And in that, I found meaning in both losses—not in the sense that they had to happen, but in the lessons they left behind.
How the Past Shapes the Present
We don’t always realize it in the moment, but everything we experience builds on itself. The pain, the joy, the lessons—they all become part of us. Looking back, I can see how my first loss prepared me for the second, and how both shaped the way I move through life now. I don’t live for my grief, but I live with it. I make space for it. And more importantly, I let it teach me.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand:
Grief isn’t linear, but patterns emerge. Losing two spouses showed me that while grief never looks exactly the same, there are common threads—the sudden waves, the unexpected triggers, the way time shifts the pain without erasing it. Recognizing those patterns made it easier to manage the second time.
We can hold onto the past while moving forward. Talking about my late husbands, remembering their impact, and sharing their stories isn’t about staying stuck—it’s about honoring them. I don’t carry my love for them in the past tense. It exists alongside everything else in my life now.
Perspective changes everything. After my first loss, I felt like I had lost everything. But after my second, I started to see how much I had been given—two incredible people who shaped my life, two loves that I still carry, two experiences that deepened my understanding of gratitude, resilience, and love itself.
Learning to Live With Loss
When people talk about “moving on,” they often mean leaving grief behind. But I don’t think that’s how it works. We don’t move on; we move with. Every experience, every loss, every moment of deep pain changes us, but it also teaches us something. The key is letting those lessons shape the way we live now.
For me, that means:
Choosing gratitude alongside grief. I can acknowledge the pain of losing both my husbands while also being deeply grateful that I had them in my life at all.
Letting love exist beyond loss. Their stories, their impact, the way they made me feel—it all still exists. And I can talk about them, honor them, and carry them forward.
Finding purpose in the lessons. The experiences of loss shaped the work I do today. They gave me a deeper understanding of grief, one that allows me to help others navigate their own journeys.
What the Future Holds
The past will always be a part of me, but it doesn’t define what comes next—it informs it. Every loss, every experience, every moment of reflection helps shape the person I am becoming. And while I can’t predict the future, I know that whatever comes next, I will face it with the strength, love, and perspective that my past has given me.
How has your past shaped the way you move forward? What lessons have you carried with you? Spend some time today to think about your journey.
