It’s back to school season, and I was reminded of an event that took place 10 years ago, which relates to last week’s topic about being the best of those we’ve lost.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who’s ever been a parent, but parents have different ways of doing things. This was put on full display 10 years ago. 

I’ve mentioned before that I used to travel for work, nearly every week, since 1998. I met my husband while traveling on one of those trips. I liked the job and the travel, and I continued to do so—even after we decided to be parents. I missed a few things in those early years, and I recall coming home from a trip and leaning down to give our baby daughter a kiss. She screamed and cried like she didn’t know me. That hit hard.

Since I was traveling, Bob became the stay-at-home parent who worked on several different MLM projects—I still have a basement of product as proof. As the stay-at-home parent, he was able to spend a lot of time with the kids and make sure they had what they needed.

So, when he suddenly died in January 2014, it was all on me—the novelty dad. My parenting style was and is different. When I bought back-to-school items that year, I did so online—leaving the house and going to a packed store to buy standard things was not my idea of fun. Bob, on the other hand, excelled at it.

What happened next surprised me: one of my kids told me that Daddy Bob did it better. I didn’t know what that meant; how does one screw up shopping for pencils, crayons, paper, and folders? But, apparently, I did. It’s a decade later and I’m still scratching my head on that one.

Later in the school year, that same child went on a sleep-away school trip and told me when returning home that they cooked better than I did. Daddy Bob cooked better than I did. It may have been around this time that I was experimenting a bit in the kitchen.

Here’s the point: it’s OK to do things differently. Your whole life after losing someone is different. We can rail against the “different,” or we can learn to embrace it. My child was pushing back on the “different,” though there wasn’t an alternative. And, while I could be the stay-at-home dad I needed to be, and I could try to be those things I loved about Bob, I would never, and COULD never, replace him or what he brought to our family.

It reminds me of falling in love again. The first husband was gone, but I still loved (and still love) him. Bob could never replace him; he knew that, and I knew that, so even though I was in love again, it was different. I had to learn to embrace the “different.”

I did that by, yes, perceiving reality (from the PURPOSE framework in Grief Recovery for Adults). I had to remind myself that there is no comparison between the two. I had to push the desire to compare out of my mind consciously. I knew they were both different, but it’s easy to compare.

So I had to remind our children that it’s OK that we have differences, just as we’d previously shared that different families exist, different races exist, and different religions exist. I shared that if we all wore white T-shirts, the world would look a little boring. I shared that a rainbow is pretty because of the spectrum of colors, and all those different colors can create something beautiful.

I didn’t hear too many more references to Daddy Bob doing things better, but I did hear a few about how we did things differently. Like stacking the dishes in the cabinets; I like things the way I like them, but when he was home all the time, I deferred to his needs.

Learning how to embrace the “different” is a skill we can all use, whether we’re grieving or not. The diversity of our experiences and lives allows us to keep learning, growing, and experiencing new things. 

I’d like you to reflect on these questions:

1. Think about a recent change in your life. How did you initially react to it? How might your experience be different if you approached it with an attitude of embracing the “different”?

2. Can you recall when you unfairly compared two people or situations? How did that affect your perception and emotions? 

3. What’s one area in your life where you tend to resist change or differences? What small step could you take to be more open to “different” in this area?

4. How has diversity or “different” enriched your life in ways you may not have initially expected?

5. Reflect on a challenging transition you’ve faced. What lessons did you learn from embracing the “different” in that situation?

A friend of mine shared a photo of banana slices on pizza. I don’t know how that would taste, but I’d be willing to try. So what if it’s a little different? Don’t be afraid of different. Embrace it. Different is always there.

Now it’s your turn to embrace the “different” in your life. Share one way you’ve learned to accept or appreciate something different in your life recently. Your story might inspire others to see the beauty in change and diversity. And, if you found this post helpful, consider sharing it with a friend who might be struggling with change or loss – sometimes, knowing we’re not alone in our experiences can make all the difference.