There’s something about the holidays that makes us believe traditions are supposed to stay the same forever.

Same rituals. Same routines. Same decorations in the same boxes brought down from the same attic.

We inherit the idea that traditions are sacred, fixed, untouchable; that changing them somehow breaks something.

But here’s what life has taught me, especially through grief over the last three decades:

Traditions don’t hold us together. We hold traditions together. And because we change, they’re allowed to change too.

The holidays don’t stop evolving just because we try to freeze them in time.

Our lives shift. Our families shift. Our emotional capacity shifts.

And the traditions that once made sense don’t always fit the people we become.

The Year I “Performed” Christmas

The first Christmas after I lost my second husband, I was determined to keep everything the same. Same tree. Same ornaments. Same routine.

I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was preserving normalcy, protecting the kids, keeping a sense of continuity.

So I put up the tree the way we always had.

It looked beautiful.

It felt awful.

At one point, my son walked into the room, looked at the lit tree, and said quietly:

“It just makes me miss Daddy Bob more.”

That moment stopped me. I had no idea what to say.

I wasn’t honoring a tradition; I was performing one. Trying to recreate a feeling that no longer belonged to the life we were living.

The next year, I did something different: I let the kids decide whether we had a tree at all. Or whether it was decorated at all.

Some years we put one up. Some years we didn’t.

Sometimes we decorated differently. Sometimes not at all.

And nothing broke. In fact, something softened.

I realized I wasn’t failing the tradition. I was listening to what our family actually needed.

Traditions Are Living Things

One of the biggest myths about the holidays is that tradition equals permanence.

But traditions aren’t stone tablets. They’re expressions of who we are in a moment in time.

And when life changes, through loss, divorce, blended families, new relationships, shifting identities, kids growing up, health limitations, emotional bandwidth (you name it), our traditions deserve to grow with us.

Because the truth is this:

A tradition that no longer fits isn’t comforting—it’s constricting.

When we try to force a ritual to stay the same after life has changed, it stops being meaningful and starts being painful. Or exhausting. Or hollow.

Letting traditions evolve isn’t abandoning the past. It’s honoring the present.

The PURPOSE Behind Letting Things Change

In the PURPOSE Framework, the first step (P: Perceive Reality) is all about seeing life as it is, not as it used to be.

Traditions require the same honesty.

What was meaningful then may not feel meaningful now.

What once brought connection may now bring stress.

What used to be joyful may now highlight what’s missing.

And the “O — Open a New Chapter” reminds us that evolving rituals is how we step into the life we’re living now, not the one we lost or outgrew.

Changing a tradition doesn’t erase the memories attached to it. It simply makes space for new ones.

Why We Resist Changing Traditions

It’s not just nostalgia, though nostalgia has a strong pull.

We resist change because:

• It feels like letting go of the people we’ve lost
• We don’t want to disappoint family
• We believe “this is just what we do”
• We fear that adapting something makes it less meaningful
• We worry change means moving on in a way that betrays the past

But none of that is really true.

Traditions evolve because love evolves. Grief evolves. Families evolve. We evolve.

For me, the holidays became gentler, more human, and more sustainable when I let our rituals reflect who we are now, not who we once were.

Small, Honest Ways to Let Traditions Shift

I’m not suggesting reinventing everything. I’m suggesting you let your celebrations match your reality.

Because I love a good list, here are a few places to start. It’s not a checklist, but some things you can bring into your life naturally:

• Keep the one tradition that still feels like “home,” and let the rest be optional
• Scale down or simplify in ways that feel intuitive
• Try a one-year tradition — something you do just this year without pressure to repeat it
• Move a ritual to a different day or time if that supports your energy better
• Combine old traditions with new ones that fit the life you have now
• Let different family members choose a tradition they want to keep

One small shift can change the entire emotional tone of the season.

Life Changes… and Traditions Can, Too

Some years you may feel like celebrating big. Some years small. Some years you may skip certain rituals entirely. Some years you may discover something new that becomes its own tradition.

There is no right way to celebrate. There is only the way that honors who you are today.

Here’s the thing: Grief taught me that I cannot live by a script I no longer fit into. And age, experience, parenthood, and healing reinforced the same lesson:

Life changes us. And traditions, when they’re healthy, change with us.

Your Turn

This week, I want to invite you into something simple:

What’s one tradition you’ve outgrown — and what’s one new or adapted tradition that might fit your life better now?

Not everything has to stay.

Not everything has to go.

But everything should make sense to the life you’re actually living.

Let your traditions evolve with you.

You deserve holidays that feel like your life — not your performance.