I was raised to be self-reliant. My entire generation was raised that way, or at least the early members of Gen X were. Maybe it was the generation or the fact my mother raised me as a single parent after the divorce for most of my life. Did I mention my strict, German-born mother?

To this day, I still have a problem asking for help, and sometimes, I really need it. I have no problem telling people it’s okay to ask for help, yet I’m not great at taking my own advice. So, while researching that topic for the new book coming on May 6, 2024 (Grief Recovery for Adults), I learned a few things about asking for help, which I’m sharing in the book but also coming up here.

You’ve noticed me asking you for help lately to spread my message, provide feedback, leave a review (did you?), and generally engage so I know I’m on the right track. I liken it to being on stage, singing my heart out, getting energy from the crowd. My performer friends tell me they FEED off the audience’s energy. That’s definitely a form of help (plus, as an audience member, you get something out of it, too!).

I also have a really hard time asking for a sale! I know I’m putting out good content, and a lot of it is free. I have courses to teach emotional mastery, forgiveness, and happiness. Maybe if I stopped chasing shiny objects, I could teach that full-time. But I need to learn to ask for help; I need to learn to ask for the sale.

Asking for help, I’m getting better. Some of the tips I learned are:

First, be clear on what you want. Look, I’m one of the first to raise my hand to help someone, but they’ve got to be clear on what they’re asking for. When my local Boys & Girls Club asks for help, I just need to know what kind of help. Stand in the street and collect donations? Sure, I can stand there.

I learned it helps if you create some umbrella categories, like:

• Personal help: Do I need someone to listen to me? Am I looking for emotional support? Do I just need companionship when it feels lonely?
• Household help: Do I need help with household chores, meal planning, meal prep, doing laundry, or mowing the yard?
• Financial help: Do I need to borrow a few bucks? Do I need help understanding my budget or the stock market?
• Grief help: Do I need to talk to someone who understands the wounds and can help me tend to them? Do I need help figuring out my next step in the journey?
• Well-being help: Do I need someone to help with a workout plan, a gym buddy, or someone just to check in on what I need to do to remain healthy?

Once I’m clear on what I want help with, I need to articulate the need to someone who can help. Finding the right person is also necessary because I wouldn’t necessarily ask my kids for financial advice—they still live at home.

You have to choose the right moment. My daughter asks me for help at the most inopportune moments imaginable—like if I’m driving, and she wants to know if I can do XYZ two Tuesdays from now. I can’t check my calendar while I’m driving. Similarly, if I’m reading something on my phone and she starts talking to ask me for something, she doesn’t have my full attention. She needs to pick the right moment that works for both of us, not just her.

Then, we need to be clear and direct about what we’re asking for. When the Boys & Girls Club asks for help, they may be looking for someone to write a check for $10,000—I can’t do that, but I could do $100. The point is, when asking for help, be flexible in the type of help offered.

I’m almost embarrassed to add this next one but, be grateful. Express gratitude for the help—a simple “Thank you” goes a long, long way.

Finally, we offer to reciprocate the help. Express a willingness to help when you can.

Asking for help seems daunting to many of us. Again, that could be how we were raised, but we all need a hand at some point in our lives. Don’t you think we should learn how to ask for it?