Note: This is part four of seven that delves into the PURPOSE framework introduced in my book, Grief Recovery for Adults. As a reminder, PURPOSE was designed to empower and enlighten you toward a more fulfilling life experience following loss or, in my case, losses. The structure is designed to help you find a renewed sense of purpose in your life on your terms.

Life is unpredictable. It throws us curveballs, and sometimes those curveballs come in the form of loss. Grief can feel overwhelming, like a towering mountain shrouded in fog, with no clear path forward. But what if I told you a simple shift in perspective could change everything?

Our mindset acts like a filter, coloring how we experience the world. In grief, this filter gets clouded, making everything seem bleak. I’ve written about mindset several times, and I believe we can find unexpected strength and growth by consciously adjusting our perspective.

For example, consider the difference between “I have to get through this day” and “I get to live this day.” One feels like a burden, the other an opportunity. This subtle shift demonstrates how a change in mindset can empower us to navigate grief differently.

Is it easy? Oh, no, not at all. It truly is an effort, and we consciously have to work on it at every step and with every memory.

But what if we saw it as a catalyst for positive change instead of battling grief head-on? I’m not talking about diminishing the pain but instead recognizing grief’s potential to deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world. Losing a partner might reveal strength you never knew you had. A parent grieving a child might find purpose in advocacy. Grief can lead us to reconnect with hobbies loved ones enjoyed, keeping their memory alive.

Grief can make us feel isolated, but it can also push us to seek connection. As we discussed last week, finding others who understand our experience is incredibly healing. We might initially avoid activities that remind us of our loss as a form of denial we talked about in the first week. But by engaging with those people, activities, and places, we honor our loved ones’ memories and keep their spirits alive.

I know that grief can make us feel stuck—Lord knows I was—but I’ve also learned that it can push us to grow. We gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and what truly matters. Grief can certainly lead us to despair, but it can also lead us to discover new purpose and meaning in life. Loss can make us feel lost, but it can also be a catalyst for rediscovering who we are in this new chapter of our lives.

Studies show that finding meaning in adversity leads to less intense grief and renewed life satisfaction. This isn’t about toxic positivity. It’s about acknowledging the potential for joy within grief. Pollyanna-ish? Maybe, but it’s been nearly 30 years since my first loss, and learning about this absolutely helped me in my second.

This part of the PURPOSE framework is about Probing for Personal Significance; it’s not about surface thinking and what lies on the top of our grief. It’s about taking time to reflect on how grief has changed us. What have you learned in your grief? How have your relationships shifted? Each day, set an intention that reflects your growth. And, yes, there is growth. Each day, each tiny step is growth. Sometimes, it’s impossible to see day-to-day, but you’ll see it in time and with perspective.

Just like the lyrics from the song “The Rose,” by Bette Midler (“Just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun’s love, in the spring becomes the rose”), beneath the pain lies a seed of transformation. Finding the “good” in goodbye is about recognizing its potential to lead us to unexpected insights. We might develop a deeper sense of empathy or a greater appreciation for life’s fragility. Allow these insights to surface naturally and recognize them as the rose.

When we allow happiness back into our lives, we honor our loves ones by living life fully—we are not betraying them or their memory. We are not erasing the pain. We are allowing joy to coexist with sorrow. We are finding meaning in the aftermath of sorrow.

Here’s the thing: Loss is a chapter, not the entire book. We are the sum of our experiences, relationships, and choices. Our life’s story contains all the chapters. My mission has been to share that we can hold space for our grief without letting it define us; we live WITH the grief instead of FOR it.

Back to that mountain we talked about, shrouded in fog: a few steps to the left or to the right might reveal a clear path to the top. One that doesn’t look so scary.

Grief is complex and unpredictable, and determining what it means to you and your ability to live your life is crucial to be able to do so. If you’re seeking more insights and practical tools to help you navigate this journey, please consider exploring my book, Grief Recovery for Adults and learning more about the PURPOSE framework. It’s a companion for those difficult days, offering guidance and support as you work through your emotions and find your path to healing.

Next week, we’ll look at O in PURPOSE: Open a New Chapter.