Do you know what the most stressful life event is? If you’re reading this, you probably do: the death of a loved one (divorce or breakup takes the second spot). But, what if I said that wasn’t the end of it?
It’s not. The death of a loved one is often just the beginning of a series of cascading losses. This primary loss takes such an immense amount of energy to process that we may not realize it initially, but almost all of us experience additional secondary losses as a result. Secondary losses are the ones that unfold over time—those rippling effects that, while not as obvious as the primary loss, can be just as impactful. Here are a few examples:
Loss of Identity: After my first loss, I was no longer a husband. The part of me that had grown, adapted, and loved deeply was suddenly… gone. We define ourselves by our roles, and when those roles vanish, it leaves an empty space where we once felt purpose and connection.
Loss of Faith or Belief: I struggled to continue believing in something I couldn’t understand, which would allow so much suffering. It’s natural to question your beliefs when life takes a turn that defies logic, fairness, or compassion. Faith can feel fragile after loss, and rebuilding it—if that’s even possible—may take years, while others cling steadfastly to their faith.
Loss of Relationships: Friendships changed. Some people didn’t know how to support me, while others drifted away. I experienced the heartbreak of family members of my husband disappearing soon after the funeral. Loss changes dynamics, sometimes showing us the limits of relationships we thought we could rely on.
Loss of a Parenting Partner: I became a single parent overnight. In our case, two pre-teens now relied on me entirely, and I was struggling to keep my own head above water. If you’re navigating parenthood alone, you’re no stranger to this particular type of secondary loss.
Loss of Job Stability: My role in my company had to change. I needed more flexibility, more understanding, and ultimately a new sense of purpose to keep going. And I know others who’ve faced losing their jobs outright, as responsibilities change and priorities shift.
Loss of Home: Some of my friends faced losing their homes after the death of a spouse. Financial instability, practical limitations, or painful memories sometimes make it impossible to stay in the place that once held so much love and comfort.
Loss of Financial Security: In a two-income household, the loss of one income can be terrifying. Bills, healthcare, childcare—the pressure builds up fast. Many people are left trying to cope with these practical realities on top of their grief.
Loss of Dreams for the Future: This was perhaps the hardest to accept. I had built a future in my mind where we’d grow old together. When that was taken away, seeing a future at all became difficult. It takes courage to start reimagining a life that no longer includes the person you planned it with.
These secondary losses are sometimes invisible to others, yet they are constant reminders of the initial heartbreak. And it’s important to remember that not all of them happen at once. Some reveal themselves much later, taking us by surprise, and that can intensify the grief cycle. If you’re experiencing secondary losses, know that it’s natural to feel overwhelmed, and recognizing them is the first step in the healing process.
So, great, now you have a list. Now what?
One of the most essential things you can do is to give yourself the grace and space to grieve each of these losses individually. Grieving isn’t just a one-time process; it’s a journey that requires us to face each aspect of our loss with compassion and patience. And just like the primary loss, these secondary ones need acknowledgment and care.
This is where the PURPOSE framework can support you in navigating not just the initial loss, but these subsequent ones as well. This approach isn’t about “moving on”; it’s about actively engaging with your grief and gradually reshaping your life in a meaningful way. Each step in PURPOSE serves as a practical guide to help you work through grief holistically:
P—Perceive Reality: Start by allowing yourself to see the full scope of your losses, both primary and secondary. Recognizing them, even if it feels painful, is essential to move forward.
U—Unload Emotional Baggage: Find ways to express and release the emotions that may have built up over time. It’s okay to feel everything—anger, sadness, confusion, even guilt.
R—Reach Out for Support: Grieving isn’t meant to be done alone. Connecting with others who understand, whether friends, family, or a support group, can make the process less isolating.
P—Probe for Personal Significance: Look for ways to understand what these losses mean to you personally. You might uncover new insights about yourself and your values in the process.
O—Open a New Chapter: When you’re ready, start exploring what the next chapter of your life could look like, even if it’s one small step at a time.
S—Save Cherished Memories: Find ways to honor and keep the memories that matter most to you. Whether through photos, journals, or shared stories, preserving those memories can bring comfort.
E—Embrace Personal Growth: With time, consider how this journey has changed you and what it might mean for your future. Grief can reshape us, but it can also help us grow in ways we never expected.
Ready to take the next step? If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore the PURPOSE framework more deeply in Grief Recovery for Adults. It’s a guide to help you not only manage your losses but also find hope and meaning along the way. Additionally, I’ve shared the PURPOSE framework in this space, beginning here, to begin your journey to reclaiming your life, one purposeful step at a time.
