Every December, like clockwork, something subtle (and not so subtle) starts to happen.
Invitations roll in. Expectations pile up. Traditions resurface. And without even thinking about it, we start performing the familiar holiday script:
“Sure, I can make it.”
“Of course we’ll be there.”
“Yes, I can host.”
“I’ll figure it out.”
A lot of us say yes long before we check in with how we actually feel. It’s not because we want to overextend ourselves, but because we’re conditioned to believe that the holidays demand it—that saying no makes us difficult, disappointing, or selfish.
But here’s the truth, and one most people won’t say out loud:
You’re allowed to design a holiday that fits your real life, not the imagined one.
The version of you from five years ago, before the losses, before the stress, before the burnout? That person might have had more capacity. But you’re living in today’s body, with today’s heart, and today’s bandwidth. And that deserves respect.
The Invisible Weight of Holiday Expectations
The holidays come with a unique kind of emotional gravity.
Old patterns, family dynamics, unresolved tension, financial pressure, grief that gets louder this time of year—none of these things disappear just because the calendar flips to December.
And yet we carry all of that while also trying to:
- show up for gatherings
- meet financial expectations
- honor traditions
- be emotionally available
- stay cheerful
- avoid disappointing anyone
It’s a lot.
And sometimes, the pressure comes less from other people and more from the stories we tell ourselves:
“I should be able to handle this.”
“I don’t want to let anyone down.”
“It’s only once a year; what’s one more thing?”
But those “one more things” pile up quickly, and before we know it, the season meant to bring connection and warmth becomes a marathon we’re barely finishing.
You Have Permission to Choose What Fits
Let me say something plainly:
Saying no is a boundary, not a rejection.
You’re not responsible for carrying the emotional expectations of everyone around you. You’re not required to be available simply because someone asks. You’re not responsible for saving traditions that no longer support your well-being.
And you’re certainly not required to perform holiday joy if you don’t have the emotional bandwidth for it.
The reality is simple:
Your capacity matters, even in December.
Especially in December.
Holidays don’t require self-sacrifice to be meaningful.
Presence, not performance, is what people remember.
How to Say No (Without Guilt or Conflict)
Most people struggle not with the “no,” but with how to say it.
So, here are a few practical approaches that respect your boundaries while keeping communication kind and clear.
1. The Soft No
A gentle decline that still communicates care.
“Thank you for thinking of me. I’m keeping things simple this year, so I won’t be able to join.”
2. The Partial Yes
For when you want to show up, but not for everything.
“I can stop by for a little while, but I won’t be able to stay the whole time.”
3. The Redirect
Protects your energy while still offering connection.
“This year I need a quieter holiday. Could we plan something together in January instead?”
4. The Energy Budget Check-In
A private tool, but an important one. Do I actually have the energy for this? Or am I trying to be someone I’m not today?
If the honest answer is no, you get to honor that.
Letting Traditions Evolve
One of the biggest sources of holiday guilt comes from traditions, especially the ones we inherited rather than chose.
We hold onto them because they’re familiar.
We repeat them because we think we’re supposed to.
We maintain them because stopping feels like failure.
But here’s the truth: Traditions are meant to serve the people, not the other way around.
You can keep the parts that comfort you, adapt the parts that drain you, and release the parts that no longer fit your life.
A holiday doesn’t become less meaningful because it’s smaller, quieter, or different.
Sometimes, those versions are the ones that feel the most real.
My Own Lessons in Letting Go
The older I get (and the more life I’ve lived), the more intentional I’ve had to become about what I say yes to this time of year. Between grief anniversaries, single parenting, work deadlines, and the emotional residue the holidays always stir up, I’ve learned the hard way that “pushing through” isn’t sustainable.
Some years, I’ve scaled back gatherings. Most of the time, it’s just immediate family.
Some years I’ve changed traditions. Putting up a tree? Not always necessary.
Some years, I’ve given myself permission to make the holiday as small as it needed to be.
And each time, the world didn’t end.
In fact, it made room for more authentic moments. The only performing I do now is acting.
When you’re carrying grief or stress, or when you’re simply tired, simplifying is wisdom, not weakness. It’s understanding who you are and being present for yourself.
Build a Holiday That Fits Your Life
If you’re overwhelmed before the season even begins, here’s a simple framework to help you redesign your holiday with intention:
✔️ Keep: What genuinely brings you joy, comfort, or connection.
✔️ Adapt: What could still matter to you if it were smaller, shorter, or simplified.
✔️ Release: What drains you, pressures you, or no longer reflects your life today.
We’re not talking about abandoning your loved ones. We’re talking about showing up in ways that are sustainable and real.
People who care about you want you—not the version of you that’s running on fumes.
Your Turn
Look, I’m not asking you to cancel the holidays. It’s more practical than that: I’m asking you to reclaim them.
This week, I want you to consider this:
What is one obligation you can let go of, or reduce, to protect your energy?
And what is one moment you genuinely want to show up for?
Design your holiday with intention, not obligation.
Give yourself permission to say no.
Let the season fit your life, not the expectations placed on you.
Because the best holidays aren’t the ones performed perfectly.
They’re the ones where you’re present enough to feel them.
